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How to: Swag
Swaggering as first explained by William Shakespeare In Midsummer Night's Dream is the act of swaggering. This has only been accomplished in the past by the likes of: *Aristotle *Gandalf *Dwight D. Eisenhower *Waldo *Horseman of Famine There is no known date as to when Swag will come or will leave oneself. But Swag is everywhere and anywhere but only God's chosen few will ever truly have Swag dwelling inside them. Swag's Advantages Anyone who possesses Swag is believed to be capable of many things, including: *Setting the world on fire *Making Chocolate Chip Pancakes without chocolate chips available *Providing enough energy for the whole world for 1,562,525,582 years for one hour of Swag *Possessing the one ring to rule them all Acheiving Swag Your name must be written down in God's own Book of Swag before Swag is even possible. Even then, gaining the true Swag is a lifelong acheivement that requires great sacrifice. You must travel to the mountains of Arkalion, defeat the seven headed gay giant of Maganderon, rip his toes from his feet and have them with coffee to be transported to the island of Ostariaoth where you will face off against the three keepers, great dragons of immeasurable size and amazing power. Dwight D. Eisenhower said they are defeatable with a few well place sword strikes by firing swords from a catapult fueld by the souls of little children. If that doesn't work, call Pikachu into battle. Once the keepers are dead, rip their hearts out and disect them, each contains a piece to a key to the chamber of Swag. inside you will find many dangerous and homoerotic beasts of Purgatory. If you are violated by any one of them, you will lose any chance at Swag. If you make it this far, you will arrive at the chamber of Yheanadaiandahnaraoin, which is Alkinese for Swag. Before you will be Swag itself, take it, it's yours. Maintaining Your Swag If you managed to survive the great challenge of acheiving Swag, you're probably to experience the withdraw symptoms of having Swag immeadiately. This can be very dangerous to one's health, as Swag is extremely volatile, and will also make all the women go crazy and at any moment jump you in order to have sexy times, including wild animals. And domesticated animals at that too, like the one guy at Seaworld who lost his Swag because the dolphin humped him until he was no more than a puddle (hence he never really acheived Swag). If dolphin's are your thing, I guess you're in good shape. For everyone else, having Swag continues to make you a target, not only by all the ladyfolk, but also the great evil forces behind this world including (but not limited to) *The Dark Lord Satan *The Second Dark Lord Sauron *The Third Dark Lord Voldemort *Cthulhu *Jay-Z *Rosie O'Donnell *The Illuminati *Hitler *Gladys Knight and the Pips *Lightning McQueen *And The Water Temple Obviously, this can be quite staggering to one who does not possess Swag, but for those that do, you're in much better standing to take on such challenges. We reccommend that you also supply yourself with roughly 500lbs of Viagra each day as you turn your manhood into a detachable sword. You can also run to the good graces of the Priory of Sion, who most known them to be dedicated to protecting God's Power on Earth. However, they also are out to supply anyone with Swag the tools of their warfare. No one's exactly sure of what the tools exactly are, but it might be known through deeper study of those who truly acheived Swag. And whatever you do, do not become a "Swagfag" Swag does not appreciate such liberal use of its sacredity, and will skin you alive with butter. We hope this aids you in your life long efforts. Good Luck!